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If Only....

It was the time of my endless movie viewing streak and I saw a timeless piece in romantic genre. I must mention a scene where the boy is going to meet his girlfriend and he takes a cab. The cabbie senses the trouble on his face and upon asking, the boy says: "I can't seem to make her happy these days and now she is going to her hometown without me." The cabbie asks only one question:  "What if she never comes back. Could you live with that?" The boy grows pale with shock. Suddenly his heart and mind roll back to recent days, the disputes and the unhappy moments. He thought as if all that really came to the point of no return.

At the time it was only a movie for me, just a scene; I never thought I would ever take place of that boy someday. I’m not implying we had some disputes! The thing is, she's gone and will never be’s been 2 months an still I am having a hard time believing the fact, let alone dealing with it. One year she was here and I thought I had all the time in the world. Planned so many things, thought so many ideas.....but now??? She's not here and I'm left alone, in a dark pit of despair, no way out and no way further in. 

If not for her, I would never have known the meaning of true love, never would have felt the ecstasy of truly living the life. She is imprinted all over me. I never gave it much thought as to how I would leave this world but going for her would be a good way to go. When I say "I love you", I understand the gravity of these three words, and I found out long ago that my heart can never produce or bear such emotional drive for anyone else. Without her, it’s just my hopeless life, my pain, occasional tears...but all that's nothing in comparison to my hope that we will see each other soon. In the darkest of my moments when I think about her, each ounce of pain seems totally worth the wait to see her again, because each passing day is bringing me closer to the moment I am living for, the moment when my eyes will witness the greatest miracle in my life that is HER and it will not be a dream.  

There is no life without love, there is no world without love, if there is, I don't want to be a part of it. I will keep begging you till the last breath: Please come back, for my heart is there with you, and here I am, rotting away alone in warm NCR sun. I am sure my life would bring some moments of smile for me, and those moments will come but smile would keep eluding me because it recognizes me by your face and you are not with me. If I'd known that loneliness is far worse than death, I'd have never let you go.

I've been out there and it seems that if there is one place in this world that belongs to me, where I can feel my heart beat, it's right next to you. I feel love for you more than the fear of waiting for you forever. Forever doesn't bother me but what does is the fact that every moment without you is chance I am losing to make you happy, its what I do and will keep doing for eternity and beyond, no matter what is the know why???? ....because I selflessly and madly fell in love with you the first time I saw you and after 19 years, to this day, I feel the same rush of heartbeats when I am with you, same glow in my eyes when I see you. I am nothing if not a lover and this lover will keep the love alive even after he is gone.  

The answer is NO, if you never come back, I cannot live with it. Wish you were here so that could tell all this instead of writing it. Eyes connect deeper than anything. There was once a dream that we will be together, it never happened but dream lives on, wish it comes true, wish you smile always, wish I could make you believe in every fairy tale you ever heard, wish you were here.........If Only.........

~ The Pain Continues ~

Written By: Prateek Singh
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